To All The Boys I've Loved Before, Dedicated to the Men of San Francisco's Jewish Singles Scene

As I prepare to leave the San Francisco Bay Area, I’m reminded of countless warm and loving interactions – none of which occurred in the Jewish singles scene. It’s a scene not for the faint of heart. It’s a scene wherein massive amounts of hopeful singles in their 20's and 30's, and 12 men over 45, convene in a display of concern for some aspect of Judaism (e.g., “Oh yeah, I like - um - what are these called? Bay-gulls?”). Espressos and blackberries in hand, they scan the crowds for the one - the one they’re somewhat sure they haven’t already met on jdate.com. He/she must: (a) look hot, (b) be new in town, (c) live within 10 miles, and (d) hate country music.

I survived nearly twenty years of this drudgery, and I like country music. The results of my efforts were a few dates and some brief lukewarm flames. There was a 13-month marriage followed by 13 months of divorce proceedings. Then, it was back to seeing the same men on jdate.com that were there 19 years earlier. It wasn't hard to recognize them, given their ads and photos were unchanged.

I’m left feeling generally annoyed. And so, this song goes out to the men of the San Francisco Bay Area Jewish singles scene. Offense is not intended for those I don't intend to offend. I love Judaism and my people. I just did not love the Jewish singles scene.



(happy Jewish couple from Google images)

To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before

Sung to the tune (sort of) of To All The Girls I’ve Loved Before by Willie Nelson

To all the boys I’ve loved before –

All two of them, there were no more.

Had you not done did me wrong,

We wouldn’t have this song

To all the boys I’ve loved before.

                   ~~

To all the boys who wouldn’t pay

Calm down, my dear. Hear what I say:

One buck for my coke

Would not have left you broke

To all the boys who wouldn’t pay.

                   ~~

To all the boys chasing 20 year olds

I sense it’s time that you were told

Although you think you’re nifty,

They don’t like ‘em over 50

To all the boys chasing 20 year olds

                  ~~

To all the boys still living at home.

Cut the cord, babe. It’s time to roam.

It really ain’t appealing,

You and mama share a ceiling.

To all the boys still living at home.

                 ~~

To all the boys who think they’re funny.

Honey, you’re not. Not at all.

To all the boys who think they’re funny.

~~That is all. Thank you.~~